By RoflAlfie & Fun Polly

A – Anchovy

Some might consider this word emblematic of a tasty snack that melts in your mouth like the essence of the ocean and feels like a summer day in southern Spain. Others may know it as a particularly vivid and altogether unappetizing term for vagina. Go figure.

B – Bumblefuck

A bumblefuck is a person who fucks up every single task, without fail. Does this sound a lot like that intern you reluctantly hired even though they clearly don’t know the difference between ‘their’ and ‘they’re’? Yep, it sure does.

C – Cacafuego

Ooooh, smooth and sexy foreign words! Fun! Yeaaaaah, not so much. The elegant mouthful of ‘cacafuego’ literally means ‘shit fire’ in Spanish. Save this one for muttering under your breath in an evil puff when that bro co-worker mansplains content management systems again. (Dude, STFU, you fucking run the company website.)

D – Dickweasel

Treacherous, suspiciously woke Clark Gable-types, who employ deceit and feigned political empathy to seduce women, and therefore embody the worst qualities of the carnivorous mammal and male sex organ, respectively.

E – Eunuch

(option 1) Penisless. Without a member. Unendowed. The diametrical opposite of well-hung.

(option 2) A poor chap back in the medieval days – or maybe now, IDK what goes on behind closed doors, people – that would have his man bits chopped off with the sole purpose of keeping his singing voice all youthful and prepubescent, like one of those pure and beautiful nightingales sent to the mines to die.

F – Fopdoodle

A fucktard of Shakesperian proportions.

G – Gallows Bird

Sounds like a kind old man named Gallow – a bit strange, a loner, but good-hearted at his core – who has a cockatoo that’s his companion, his trusted friend, the one who’ll never leave him, the one he’s most fond of in all the world after decades of being disappointed by humans and the bleak pointlessness of life. Yeeeeeah no, a Gallows Bird is someone who deserves to be hanged. Sry.

H – Homewrecker

FUCK YOU, STEVE! YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!

I – Idi u picku materinu

V. elaborate, those Serbians: this one means ‘go back into your mother’s vagina.’ BE UNBORN, FOUL THING.

J – Jizz Jemmy

A rather fun term for penis. Like, wouldn’t this work ideally as a nickname for one of those middle-aged dudes in fedora hats who actively Tinder their existential crises about ageing away? ‘Girl, he asked me to come over for some Malbec and vegan lasagna. He’s such a Jizz Jemmy.’

K – Kurwa

Why would you call someone a bitch or a whore when you could hiss ‘kurwa’ at them instead? It sounds way more demonic AND is an homage to our Polish friends.

L – Leech

Fuck you, blood-sucking, terrestrial annelid worm. Typically reserved for someone who always ‘forgets’ to MobilePay you for splitting the bag or gets their greasy fingers all up in your ranch chips and actually has the audacity to eat the VERY. LAST. ONE. !!!!

M – Me cago en la puta madre de Jesús, en su padre y en toda su jodida corte celestial

Throwing out a casual “I shit in Jesus’s whoring mother, in his father and their whole fucking celestial court” should shut them up, IMO. God bless you, Spanish people.

N – Nerfherder

A herder of nerf; a lowly profession. Something you would call stuck-up, scruffy-looking, lazer-brained scoundrels who hang out with Wookies and are too forward with their sleazy come-ons.           

O – Odious

Extremely unpleasant and repulsive. Also, try yelling ‘I AM ODIOUS!!!!!’ in the mirror when you’re hungover, cause it’ll make you feel 50 percent like a God, 50 percent like the confused and lost millennial in a broken economy that you are.

P – Puke-stocking

HERE’S YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT, LITTLE BITCH.

(Surprisingly not a slur, but a fabric-based compliment from the late 18th century.)

Q – Querulant

Basically the legal term for “tattle-tale”. A lawsuit hypochondriac. Someone who will abuse the legal system as their own sick self-satisfaction, i.e. Martin Shkreli.

R – Rudepelstiltskin

Somebody rude enough to honour a comparison to a tiny, greedy man who for some reason can turn things into gold but will shortly afterwards steal your necklace and newborn child.

S – Satanedme

Sentiment-enhancing exclamation stemming from the Danish vein of swears based around being eaten by scary things. (Literal translation: “Satan, Eat Me”)

T – Thundercunt

Queen Mother of all slurs for the fairer sex. Also an unexplored superhero persona in a vag-tastic, yet-to-be-made Power Rangers x WonderWoman porn mash-up.

U – Unasinous

Two or more people who unequivocally suck to a degree of fully and completely deserving one another in their respective stupidity/lack of a valid personality.

V – Varmit

Like being called a “scumbag” or “rat-faced bastard”, but by someone armed with a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a shotgun. If preceded by the command, “Get off my land”, you would be quite wise to do so.

W – Wobblebottom

A person who has a morbidly mysterious and altogether frightening way of moving their behind when they walk. I dunno, guys, I think it sounds pretty cute, tbh.

X – Xibiu

A very ghoulish word for vagina in Portuguese. BECAUSE FEMALE SEXUALITY IS SCARY, GUYS!!!!

Y – Your Virginity Breeds Mites, Much Like a Cheese

Oh, I’m sorry, is being a hormonal yet horny and altogether awk as fuck teenager not hard enough for you? Well, now your virginity breeds mites, just FYI. Thanks for that one, dudes from the 18th century.

Z – Zounderkite

Not a nostalgically colourful kite you’d let loose in the wind on a blissful summer day like an innocent child, but in fact a complete and utterly hopeless idiot. Sigh.