Written by Lucy Coulson

Photos by Elke Numeyer-Windshuttle

So it’s that time of year again: where Spejder Sport’s tent section is suddenly empty, there’s no more bike spots at Hovedbanegård and Gothersgade is the quietest it’s been since last year. Roskilde Festival, folks.

For the 48th time, Roskilde is opening its arms to 130,000 festival-goers, this year from 69 different countries, turning the humble city of Roskilde into the fourth largest in Denmark for the week. Yes. That’s big.

With a festival as absurdly large as 350 football fields, and as many as 184 acts on eight stages over four days, it’s easy to feel slightly overwhelmed when wondering how to spend your day.

We’re not going to give you music tips because we know you’re not going to listen (okay, at least promise us you’ll see The Blaze). And we know you’ve already made plans to drink until you can’t drink no more… but, we have decided to take one for the team and provide the most comprehensive guide, with everything except music and drinking, to this year’s festival, so you can focus on the important things like putting the finishing touches to your beer bong or queuing up for another flæskestegssandwich.

Without further ado, here is the Bitchslap 2018 Guide to Roskilde (minus music and drinking):

Contrary to all of your previous festival experiences, Roskilde Festival is not just about drinking yourself to the ground and listening to that top 40 headliner your friend wanted to see that you vaguely know the lyrics to. Unbeknownst to many, there are things to do that don’t include (but definitely can) drinking and music.

 

Take ABSALON for example.

Your slice of hipster, homey Vesterbro – away from home. On Sønder Boulevard, Absalon is a vibrant community house or as they put it, ‘an extension of your own living room’, and at Roskilde, it’s pretty much the same concept.

If you’re homesick and missing your local coffee and bun with cheese, then head to Absalon for your daily dose of Copenhagen vibes. You’ll find hyggelige things like table tennis, bingo and community dinners set at long tables.

If you’re an early riser, they’re ready with beer-yoga (not sure what that is but sign me up), morning-dance (a little more self-explanatory, I’ll sit this one out) and breakfast (I’m in).

If you’re wanting to escape your camp’s lunchtime beer-pong, then head on over for some slightly more sophisticated activities like croquis, petanque and coffee.

For those who sleep all day and party all night, you might miss all that but you can make it just in time for a nutritious (read: not deep fried) dinner for only 50kr a pop. When you’re done with that, you can start your pre-drinking with boyband-bingo (again, sign me up), music quizzes and drinks that haven’t been boiling in your tent all day.

You can find this magical oasis in Trade Zone West. You can also check out their Facebook event for more deets.

If you’re nursing a very delicate hangover and cannot comprehend being part of a community and talking to actual social people, then you could head to the ART ZONE.

The Art Zone is Roskilde Festival’s art epicentre. It’s here you’ll find tonnes of art projects including talks, performances, videos, guides, and much more. The best thing? You don’t need to talk to anyone. Just sit, sip your water and take in the art! View the full programme here.

BS pick: Head to Gloria on Friday 6th July at 18:00 to see HVAD and have a rave. HVAD (or WHAT) is a Danish artist and musician, real name Hari Shankar Kishore, who’s providing the festival with a ‘surreal rave created from the sounds of worn-out acetate discs’. The show is part of his current exhibition at the Museum of Contemporary Art in Roskilde. Check it out!

 

If you work up a sweat checking out all that art, head on over to Roskilde’s very own LAKE.

You may have heard rumours about the disease-ridden water hole, but this year the lake is STD-free and ready for your sweaty body. A few rules: no soap, no drunk people, listen to the lifeguards.

The lake is located by Agora/area K.

The fish served at the food stalls not up to your standards? Stop whining and catch your own at the FISHING LAKE.

Yes, you read right. You can fish at Roskilde. Don’t worry if you forgot your fishing rod and wading boots, you can hire all the gear you need at the lake. Find it in Camping East just by J.

 

And if you’ve tried all the above and still need something to do, there’s KLUBRÅ.

Brought to you by Roskilde Festival and Tuborg, KlubRÅ this year is a space of cyborgs, aliens and hybrid beings, questioning what it means to be human today.

This club is a unique combination of art and music, examining the human condition, questioning hierarchical structures and welcoming alternate perceptions of gender constructions. Maybe not the best activity if you’re feeling mentally fragile after last night’s efforts. Then again, maybe it’s the perfect activity. Give it a go.

…I guess there’ll be Tuborg RÅ here. Can’t say for sure.

So there you have it. When you’re sick of the music and the drinking, give this list a work through and then start listening to music and drinking again.

Go’ festival!