Text: Polina Bachlakova

Illustrations: Erik Pontoppidan

Advocate

“Have I told you about how #blessed I am to have my authentic brand partnership yet?”

Binge-networking

Like cold-blooded, lethal hunters, these people smell opportunity. They will look for you. They will find you. They will corner you. And then they’ll talk your ear off about value creation, authenticity and how many followers they have until you pass out from boredom.

CAMERA WHORES

Camera Whores

Are you even an influencer if you don’t curate your Instagram feed exclusively around that one specific angle where your nose looks really good?

DM me

“Hey, girl, how about you let me influence you somewhere a little more private? ;)”

Exotic Locations

While you’re home wanking to reruns of Buffy, these people are bathing with iguanas and flexing that white saviour syndrome with ‘sweet and humble’ orphans somewhere in Africa. All. The. Time. 

FABULOUS

Fabulous

Hate ‘em or love ‘em, you can’t deny it: these digital miracle workers are fucking fabulous for somehow turning slapping Insta filters on photos of socks into lucrative careers.

#galaxymakeup

Like, we live in a world where it’s actually a thing for people to spend multiple hours transforming their faces into cuter versions of the Alien franchise. #smh

HOT

Hot

Would bang most of them, tbh.

Instagram

Our favourite digital hellbeast and the one that spawned them all.

JAILBAIT

Jailbait

You know those smokin’ hot normcore model/DJ/artist chicks you follow on Insta? Yeaaaah, they’re all like 16, bro. #sorrynotsorry

Kids

Who needs Alexander McQueen shoes? Adorable cherub children that let people know you’re oh-so-wholesome and ‘just a regular mom’ are the perfect accessory.

Like and share!

“Tag your bff! Like if you’re also #perfectlyimperfect! Share or they’ll drop my marketing contract and then I literally have no source of income because this is basically my only skill at this point!”

ME ME ME

Me, me, me

“Hey, here’s a bright idea, Gary from Marketing: let’s use SoMe to encourage people to be narcissistic and then pay them money so they can be even more narcissistic and then create a generation of self-obsessed, anxious and insecure people who have to buy our products to feel good. It’s ingenious!”   

Niche

Whether they’re fashion bloggers spewing Beyonce quotes, ‘minimalist mums’ or covered head to toe in Gosha Rubchinskiy, most influencers master their niche—and then exploit the hell out of it.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

When people spend 20+ minutes meticulously creating the perfect Macbook and avocado toast composition for their next post, you know there’s something a little odd going on.

Perfect

“Another thing, Gary from Marketing: We don’t have to spend our money on ads that feature preteen-size waists on grown-ass women to make people hate their bodies anymore. Get this, Gary: the influencers are now doing it for us, all on their own.”

Quality Control

Goals is having a small army of brand managers and PR sharks making sure you don’t use the wrong filter in an Insta post, right?

Remedies

Who knew that curing cancer was as simple as spending $45 on something called blue algae powder?!?

SIDEBOOB

Side Boob

A tried and true classic in the influencer bible. #freethenipple

Tinder Rage

Shocker! Even influencers get ghosted on Tinder, so cue the destructive storm of paragraph-long texts about to take over some bro’s dating apps.

UNFOLLOW

Unfollow Them

Do the right thing for your mental health, babes.

Vagina-nomics

The future of coopting feminism has arrived, and it looks a whole lot like influencers posting inspirational quotes about their vaginas for their #girlgang.

White

Just try to find a prominent influencer who isn’t white or thin. I’ll wait.

XANAX

Xanax

Where else do you think all those #posivibes come from?!

Yuppie

“Just stumbled upon this #raw and #edgy mural in an alleyway by my house on my morning run. So authentic! #inspomood”

Zero Likes

The influencer’s version of the apocalypse.