Festival sex is gross. If you don’t know that, then you’ve never been to a festival. That is of course unless you’re into four-day-old sweat, unbrushed teeth and the smell of damp sleeping bags — in that case, buckle up, you’re in for the ride of your life.


Nonetheless, here is the complete A to Z of festival sex. We all know you’re going to do it anyway.


A. “Are you gonna invite me back to your tent or what?”

B.  Breakfast. If you’re smart, you’ll leave before this moment arrives.

C.  Condoms. Use them.

D.  Dirty. And not in the sexy sense. Your sexual partner most likely hasn’t showered today.

E.  Erections. If he’s been drinking (he has), you’re dreaming.

F.  First night. This is honestly the only night you should be fucking.

G. Guys in costumes. Avoid them at all costs… they haven’t taken that thing off all week.

H.  HOT. And again, not the sexy kind. It’s about to get reaaal hot ‘n’ sticky up in here.

I.  “I missed Ice Cube because I was banging that hot Swedish dude from Tinder.”

J.  Jungle. It’s going to be hairy come day 5.

K.  Klamt. The Danish word for disgusting. The official definition of ‘festival sex’.

L.  Lost. You will be so lost when you wake up. It’s safest to leave a trail of breadcrumbs.

M.  Moaning. In a tent, everyone can hear you scream.

N.  Names. You won’t need nor remember these.

O.  Orgasms. Forget it.

P.  Probably not. If you’re asking yourself if you should, then the answer’s probably not.

Q.  Quality *under* quantity. A festival is not where you will find good sex. Look elsewhere.

R.  Regrets. I’m not saying you will, but I’m definitely not saying you won’t.

S.  STDs. You’re gonna get them. (See: C)

T.  Tinder. For the ones who’ve lost their natural charm.

U.  Underwear. It’s best to keep it on.

V.  Volunteer. A great excuse if you want to make a run for it early in the morning.

W.  Walk of shame. It’s inevitable. Unless you leave before the sun comes up.

X.  XOXO. Leave this out. This is not the time nor the place for cuddles and kisses.

Y.  YOLO. You only live once but herpes is forever.

Z.  Zips. There’s no such thing as a discrete exit when you’re in a tent…


Have fun out there!