We really like drinking. It makes us feel bigger, better and more beautiful. I quite often feel smarter (than you) and more attractive (than before). But best of all it turns us all into great dancers. With all that beauty and cleverness, some are bound to encounter some behavioural issues, so to to lay down the law on how you should behave under the influence of alcohol we’ve invited one of favourite legal drug dealers, one of Copenhagen’s most loved and hated bartenders, to guide you through the alphabet.

Illustrations: Simon Væth
Words: Possibly Paul??

Drinking Simon Væth Bitchslap
A: A woman—no matter what she says—will always be impressed with how much a man can drink. It doesn’t necessarily work the the other way round, unless she can take down a bottle with simply a shot glass and a smile.

B: Beware of beer goggles and the beer bus: This is the form of transportation that in the middle of the night mysteriously whisks away that beauty you met last night and replaced her with Jabba the hut.

C: Caipirinha is a decent drink but no we do not give a shit if you have just come back from Brazil.

Bonus C: Chat up lines, if you insist on using them, have to be funny. Make up your own, do not ask the bartender, it is the same as asking us to hold it for you while you guide it in. Not happening.

Drinking Simon Væth Bitchslap
D: Do not tongue fuck your other half and/or random stranger(s) all night at the bar. Get a room or go out back to the garbage area, it’s cheaper.

E: Eye contact and a smile is the best way to get the bartender’s attention Do not wave shit in our face or it will go in the garbage and do not click your fingers or shout ‘oi’. Our reaction will be biblical.

F: Feel free to buy a girl a drink but DON’T buy all her drinks because she will think you are a loser and then head off with some other guy.

Drinking Simon Væth Bitchslap
G: Guys should never drink girly drinks, ever. We are talking red frozen, heavily garnished (like german clothing) or anything with coconut.
Bonus G: Guys should not hang out in the bathrooms having long conversations, its weird.

H: Hesitating when ordering a drink makes you look like a moron. Do you pause when you are asking for your skinny late with no foam on the rocks with an extra lid? No. Spit it out.

Drinking Simon Væth Bitchslap
I: Inhibitions will disappear the more you drink, as will judgement, reactions and coordination. Use this to your advantage and plan ahead. If a girl offers to buy you a drink, do not play hard to get, it’s on.

J: Just because you buy a woman a drink and she accepts, does not mean that you will be waking up next to her. She probably does not like you.

K: Kung Fu has no place in a bar. K is a hard letter to come up with a bar rule for, but it still stands.

L: Ladies first.

Drinking Simon Væth Bitchslap
M: Manners people. Please and thank you are simple words but punch above their weight in terms of how you will be perceived. Walking up to the bar and screaming ‘Øl’ will not roll.
Bonus M: Men don’t drink from straws.

N: Never complain about a free drink. I don’t care if it’s an ass berry Manhattan, you will drink that shit and say thank you.
Bonus N: Never try to outdrink a bartender. You will lose.

O: Olive or twist in your Martini is a question. When asked, it should not simply be met with a yes.

Drinking Simon Væth Bitchslap
P: Pretend to like that really strong man drink you just ordered otherwise we will laugh at you and make other people laugh at you too.

Q: Questions are good, too many questions are not.

Drinking Simon Væth Bitchslap
R: Resting your head on the bar top will end in tears.

S: Start a tab but never argue about it at the end of the night. No you did not just have a gin tonic and a fucking isbjørn. You forgot that glass of shut the fuck up we also served you. Remember, you’re hammered and we are less hammered, allegedly.

T: Try something new, it will not kill you, it won’t even make you stronger.
Bonus T: Tequila is not the work of the devil.

Drinking Simon Væth Bitchslap
U: Use crisp, clean untraceable bills or something gold and card like when paying, a handful of coins covered in fluff is not a big idea.

V: Virgin drinks are not drinks.

Drinking Simon Væth Bitchslap
W: Wearing sunglasses inside a bar is one of the most annoying things a human being can do. You will be kicked out or we may turn the lights up on full to make a point.

X: X factor is not something that should ever be mentioned in a bar environment or used as an excuse to not be drinking. It is like looking at animal porn or eating marmite.

Y: Your hangover is not something we need to hear about. Leap back on that horse and ride that shit bareback until you feel the wind flowing through your hair once more. We are more hungover than you anyway.

Z: Zelator has nothing to with bars but it does with behaviour. It is a term for a sister in a convent in charge of checking on the conduct of other nuns. Think of the bartender in this religious capacity and all will be good in the world. Plus, its a cool fucking word to know.

We reserve the right to break all of our own rules including when visiting other bars and when not working.

Originally printed in Bitchslap Magazine issue 17