I’m in a hangover nightmare, there is one way in and i can see no way out, i’m on a ring road to hell with no crash barriers to protect me. What do i do? I dig it in, i man up and go through my ABC’s..

Words: Possibly Paul???
Illustrations: Simon Væth

Simon Væth Bitchslap Alcohol
Alcohol. A vital ingredient for a good hangover. Get some alcohol and drink a lot if it. 

Booze – of course it helps but it just delays the consequences and the inevitable – Pain. 

Caffeine: whether it’s coke, coffee or a good cup of tea. Get caffeinated to kickstart your system again.

Drunk. I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics a going to meetings. I’m a drunk, we got to parties. 

Eggs. Poached. Scrambled. Fried. Boiled. Omelette. Eggs Ben. These little abortions are like morphine for hangovers. Bring sauce.  

Simon Væth Bitchslap Food Pizza
Food depends on the hangover. The saltier the better. Here’s some favourites: pizza, fries, sushi, tom yam, malai kofta. Burgers work too. 

Get your shit and get out. You were hot last night through my beer goggles but today you’re buggly.

Hair of the dog. Get back up on that horse and ride on. 

Ignoring your hangover – this will only work while you are still wasted and convinced you are still funny. 

Simon Væth Bitchslap Jogging
Jogging – Shut the fuck up. I prefer joints. 

Kentucky Fried Chicken 

Love the one day hangover because guess what? The 2 day hangover is just around the corner.

Masturbation seems to take my mind off the nausea for a few minutes. 

Simon Væth Bitchslap
Nobody canna cross it. Spend the day watching the endless pool of YouTube garbage to cheer you up. 

Orgasm. A moment of relief from the pain.

Simon Væth Bitchslap Paranoia
Paranoia – waking up wondering what you did, who you did and where you did it are common. Live with it. And no, she doesn’t want your number. 

Question whether the pain is worth it and then relish in the disgrace that is you and get ready to do it again tonight.

Reality – the cold light of day. Falling asleep in your eggs or scaring small children at 10am whilst doing the walk of shame is a way of life, embrace it for the beast it is.

Simon Væth Bitchslap Sex
Sex – yes it is possible to fuck that hangover away – sitting on your hand and performing the stranger (or it’s equivalent) counts too, see M. 

Time – the ultimate healer – but has somebody slowed that shit down!

Understand your hangover – it’s like turbulence – just get into it. 

Simon Væth Bitchslap Vomit
Vomit – this will be either involuntary or 3 finger forced..either way..you know it’s wrong but kinda right – like all the good things in life.

Water – rehydrate like a motherfucker, if possible whilst drinking. It makes you look like a loser but you will be doing the victory dance in the morning.   

Xtra round of shots is always a good idea at the time. See Y

Y did you think that extra round of shots and a split on the way home was a good idea?

Zines – the best way to spend a hungover day is leafing through zines.

Originally printed in Bitchslap Magazine issue 17