Remember Room Raiders? It was a CLA$$IC back in the Golden Years of MTV. A single-and-ready-to-mingle college dropout would ‘raid’ three strangers’ fugly private domiciles, basically by snooping through their stuff and making stereotypical assumptions about them based on their bedrooms. The snoopers utilized a room-raiding ‘kit’ for their snooping, containing a grab-bag of ‘tools’ like latex gloves, tongs, and–most importantly–a blacklight.

 

The blacklight was by far the most important minute-or-two segment of the show. They’d sweep it over some gross bro’s bedsheets which would reliably light up like something out of CSI (also a cla$$ic–Horatio Caine’s sunglasses #neverforget). Usually the bro’s bedsheets weren’t even that gross, or at least not particularly more pizza-and-cum-stained than any other aimless hormonal 20-something. We’ve done worse, but luckily we’re not quite at the level of famewhoring where that shit’s been documented (…yet.) However, if it was, we’d definitely take the ~highbrow art~ route rather than the lowbrow Room Raiders route. We are art aficionados, after all.

 

 

If you were in doubt about whether or not your repulsive lack of hygiene in bed could be art….well, it can. Duh. Take the infamous Tracey Emin work My Bed, for example: ‘Empty booze bottles, fag butts, stained sheets, worn panties’….yup, sounds about right. It was shown at the Tate Gallery and sold at a Christie’s auction a few years ago for over £2.5 million.

Obviously some people thought this was ridiculous, and that any underachiever could put their vile shithole of a sleeping area on display and call it art. To this Tracey retorted, ‘Well, they didn’t, did they?’

 

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So remember, even at your grossest–when you’re lying on your pungent bedsheets (if you have bedsheets at all) inbetween what may be either a wine stain or a blood stain, with some potato chip crumbs from last week crunching under you and intermingling with cigarette ash and hairs of unknown origin–you’re perfect just how you are and don’t need to change for anyone. You wouldn’t want to compromise your artistic expression, after all.