It’s summertime, do you know where your beach bod is? Is it laying on the couch with its doughy-yet-conveniently-flat chest being used like a table for a MacBook and bag of Grov Chips? If your bod is wallowing in its unrealized potential, we can help you find Ms. New Booty! Bitchslap is here to help supply you with some tips and #fitspo to motivate your journey towards becoming sommerklar.
Yes, my body is a temple, but it’s the overgrown, undiscovered kind no one has personally been inside of for seemingly thousands of years. Full of undiscovered treasure? More like full of undigested pizza. As nice as it would be, beach bods don’t result from lying immobile for hours on end inhaling cheesy poofs and playing Grand Theft Auto. Beach bods result from real-life, physical (not virtual) exercise. You gotta get those sweet cheeks moving, they won’t transform into buns of steel by themselves. But underneath those layers of burrito fillings lining your middle is a six pack just waiting to be unleashed upon the world.
But…ughh, exercise. And…mmm, burritos. We’ve already suggested some diet tips, but diet is not the only aspect you will need to address if you want to achieve the beach bod of your dreams this summer. Fitness is also important! But schlepping around and squatting down repeatedly and lifting heavy objects and so on is nowhere near as appealing as slurping a curry or binging on tiramisu and netflix. To help, here are some tips and tricks to help you on your journey of self-loathing and physical exhaustion.
Alcohol is proven to lower inhibitions and provide so-called “liquid courage”. Are you trying to work up the chutzpah to go to the gym? Try taking a couple shots of tequila first. (Don’t worry, it’s low-cal.) Plenty of terrifying propositions can sound like a good idea when you’re shitfaced, including exercise. #fitspo!
Relatedly, “just do it” is a great slogan for exercising in the daytime. But not for when it’s 4am and you’re drunkenly gorging yourself on kebab and pomme frites with some stranger you met at a dive bar a couple hours earlier and you’re wondering what to do next.
Sweat is your fat crying (science!) so you need to put yourself in situations that will make you sweat profusely. Why not give public speaking a try? Or drinking hot sauce in a sauna? Or riding the subway around NYC in July?
Another successful method we can personally attest to is the “sleep” method. Being well-rested is not only scientifically proven to help you eat less shit and lose more blubber naturally, but for many it’s also the easiest and most enjoyable form of exercise. You burn calories when you sleep, and usually when you’re asleep you’re not eating. For maximal results, try to spend as much time as possible unconscious.
Remember, nothing tastes as good as being skinny and #sommerklar feels. Except pizza. And falafel. And curry. And chocolate. And ice cream. And bagels. And tiramisu. And peanut butter. And chips. And biscuits. And breads. And cheese. And muffins. And…..oops! There went the beach bod again. Better luck next year!